demon days
CW: Delusions, disturbing mental imagery, reference to possession, guilt, and suicidal urges.
writing from the middle of delusion and confusion and brain fog and haziness. will probably not be very good post. I can see the shape of it in my mind but cannot grasp it.
by in the middle of delusion I mean that I know it is fake in my head but believe it is real in my heart. so / hence in the middle of it.
and by see the shape of if it I mean I had an idea for the structure of the post but that is gone now because I did not write it down.
I could write down a symptom list 1. intrusive thoughts/disturbing mental imagery, delusions, disorganised thoughts/formal thought disorder, DID
but that does not help you understand , does not help me remember. I want to keep it like this so I can forget but then people will be lonely or not understand.
What this means is:
see vision of gore and rape and parasites when close eyes all merged together violation and rot against self against other I do not understand why i think like this i cry when I wash a bug down the sink on accident. it made me think I was a demon possessing the body because why else would I think such horrid things why else would such pain follow me? I am nothing holy I am nothing real at all
and they try to hold my hand in my mind to grant me comfort and I see my hand slip to rip and tear and maim these are my friends my beloveds they are who I hold dear as much as I can hold anyone dear in my bitter heart and I cannot even imagine holding them
and so I must be posessing the body for no one else in my mind thinks such horrid things to such degree I am an anomoly I should be removed I need an excoricst but they take my hands as I search and tell me I am one of them and type "psychosis treatment" "how to deal with delusions" and "how to care for loved one in psychosis"
and I am loved so very dearly, dearly beloved, but it does not help at all, for they love Omacha, not this thing that seems like him that I am now, a poor obvious simulacrum, yet they still adore it as they adore him, as they adore me. me. what is that exactly? even before this began I called myself a mental parasite
I do not want to keep writing this it hurts too much but my head is as clear as it ever will be clear as it has been in days and I'm scared I will fall into the ocean - the one in my mind, the one that is tangible too - and never come back out of it
I listened to the same song by Aurorora I forget its name it's about the moon. I could not listen to anything else I was too stressed to listen to something different.
rain is falling in my headphones. I think I'm getting too confused to write anything of meaning now.
thank you for reading. your time is precious. that you have spent it here I feel guilty about. I should never have written this mental parasite is a fitting name all I do is make people miserable even though I bought that bird feeder it is not enough nothing can make up for myself
but i shared my post with a friend and he did not hate it he liked my writing so perhaps i am not evil or a blight on the world perhaps my words are enough thank you friend
other similar essays: https://feastingwithghosts.com/creations/essays/plurality/aftermadness
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